15st 13lb. Itchy skin. Depression. Poor sleep. Alcohol dependence. Grouchy. Alone. Ennui. Wishing it could all end.
Its not a great place to be but its where I have been for 9 years with some small breaks.
There have been somethings that have made life better, and one of those was the whole 30 program. I started in January after a full on Xmas of over-indulgence. After 3 weeks I met up with my folks and they stepped back at the change. The weight loss, a light in my eyes, coherent, calm…. I was taken back by their reaction.
Sadly, a single glass of wine lead to a pudding, lead to beer, lead to a poor sleep and milky lattes with bacon and bread at breakfast. A week later I was still stumbling back through sugar highs and cravings, feeling the fog of depression wrap around me again.
After another week I accepted I had fallen off the program. But I weighed myself and I weighed a stone less than when I had started, and that included two weeks of ‘indulgence’! Then I got back on it for another 3 weeks and dropped another 9lb and felt ‘whole’ again.
I read ‘The Power of Now’ whilst doing the program and it is probably the single most important book I have read. It came after attending a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course and brought so many elements together for me. It was central to shifting my life and my life situation. I could feel waves of goosebumps over my back and neck when I became truly present and I was finding I could turn it on at will.
I do not think I could have done either program without the other. Hence the title for the blog; addressing the problems associated with being locked in (anxiety, depression and fear) and the benefits of wholesome eating (along the lines of paleo).
I had dropped from 16st 13lb to 15st 4lb. I had found peace. I was sleeping well. I smiled at strangers and found joy in the world.
Then I fell off the program again! Back up to 15st 13lb and all the old ghosts haunting me.
So now I start with an eagerness to feel whole. To feel joy. To feel free.
One of my weaknesses is I have no friends so support is hard to find and support is essential on the program. Hence this blog; for me to talk to me. To give me the accountability not to quit before Day 30. And, hopefully, it may help others somewhere and somehow.
Fear and Paleothing 